Diary

01/02/2025

This may sound dumb and that may be because i am high but if i came at life ith the same energy i do as smoking id be unstoppable. The way I keep hitting after my brain is already like alrighty that's enough, why don't I do that with things that are actually good for me? Like working out, cooking, cleaning. Just one more hit. Just one more minute. One more rep. One more.

01/04/2025

The worst thing i've ever done was when I was very young, probably around the ages pf 5-8. My mother was telling me about her friend. They were supposed to hang out but my mom ditched her for a party (which sounds just like my mom tbh) and her friend took her own life that night. As my mom bared her soul to me I would say something I regret with every fiber of my being, I said "So, it's your fault she died?" I feel great shame over this, I feel even greater shame over the look that crossed my mother's face when I said that. Although I was a child and didn't know how awful those words were, I wish I kept my mouth shut.

01/09/2025

I used to love going to the drs. It meant getting out of school. After I got over my fear of needles it was even better. Now I dread it, I loathe it, I will do anything to avoid it. I used to love the hospital, it meant getting better, it meant hope and tv and jello. Now it means a pain pill and a dr telling me it's in my head. I'm so tired of being ignored. I'm in pain, my lab results are abnormal and it feels like no one is helping. I don't know what to do. Well I know what I have to do, I have to make a damn dr appointment. I'm scared of drs. I'm scared of the lectures about healthy eating or exercise or how i'm over exaggerating. I don't want to be in the waiting room, with those judging stares. I don't want to read notes afterwards and I don't want to go back. I already have to see a psychiatrist monthly, why do I have to have physical health problems too. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm so fucking tired. You know I had to start limiting my water intake because I can't afford water? Fucking water is too expensive now. I say that like I don't spend all my money on pre-rolls, but it's the only thing that makes me forget about the pain, it never goes away but it becomes a dull and bearable ache in the back of my mind.

01/10/2025

Everyone has always told me I have great hair. Maybe that's why I shaved it so many times. I felt that someone like me didn't deserve nice things. That I didn't deserve to feel pretty. I ruin everything good.

01/14/2025

Sometimes I listen to the voicemails my mom leaves me. They don't say much, just that someone is trying to call me from blank county jail, but then she says her name. The way she says it is so... desperate. So sad. And part of me feels guilty, and then I remember that due to her actions I will be permanently disabled for the rest of my life, I will be on these meds until I am dead and it is her fault. That I could forgive but to do that to my siblings is too much. The things that she has done to us can never be forgiven. I'm glad that she's in there and I wish she was getting more time. If she's in there, she's not hurting the people I love. And the stupid way she says her name, I'm sure that's just another trick to make me feel bad. I wonder if she did that on purpose, she's not stupid. If she hadn't gone down the wrong path she could've been a lawyer. She's very good at doing those subtle things that only we notice, my siblings and I, little things that would mean nothing to anyone else but everything to us. She is very manipulative and that's why I had to cut her off, I can't just be friendly with her because she will try to take over my life.

01/16/2025

I got an interview! I finally got an interview! I can't believe it! It's at publix too! I need to get this job.

01/17/2025

If I had the money I would buy a carton of cigarettes, and boxes of food and drink. I would bring them to the bus stop and distribute them among everyone. Then people wouldn't fight so much there, just for a while. If I had the money I'd buy a hotel and let them all stay for free. I hate money.

02/05/2025

I've been so nauseous lately. I threw up blood a week or two ago but everyone tells me to go to the doctor. My next doctors appointment is in April and I can't find an earlier one. I'm worried. I think it may be GERD which would suck. To try to alleviate the vommiting I've attempted to change my diet. I'm trying but it's hard, I gave up for a second last night and bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's, that's probably why I threw up today. I don't want to deal with this anymore, I'm so fucking tired.